Masonic Humor

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    A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God.  The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
    It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help.  The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.
    The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow.  The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren.  The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
    Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God.  Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.

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    A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber.
    But I don′t work Sundays! Can′t it wait until tomorrow. The Doctor said. I don′t like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you
    OK says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl. There he says If it′s no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round.

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    A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing.
    "What′s going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side–lines.
    The other replies "It′s a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
    "What′s the score?" asks the first man.
    "I don't know, it′s a secret."

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    While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother′s wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
    I asked in what way?
    She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
    Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
    Oh fine was his reply.
    I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
    No, was his reply.
    So why read the book there?
    Well he said "It′s the only TYLED room in the house"....

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    A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it′s air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
    The candidate replied "a beer".
    At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
    "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."

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A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the Bell,
Come inside my Brother you′ve had enough of Hell.

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    A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his  bicycle.
    Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free–wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
    Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

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    Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case.
    Mike asks: "I say, John, what′s this with the ladies stuff?"
    John gives a quick look and whispers: "You remember the installation meeting last year?"
    Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them.  I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes ′m out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves!"

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    There′s a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he′s very drunk.
    A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
    Man: II′mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
    Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
    Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

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    It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
    He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
    Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
    St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge′s name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
    He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone  in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
    The Master then asked where his Lodge′s clock was as he couldn't see it.
    St. Peter replied, "Why, it′s in the kitchen, of course."
    "The kitchen," said the Master?
    "Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

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    Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
    One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
    A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
    "Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
    "Indeed I am" said Bill.
    Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
    "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."
    "My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
    "Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
    "OK, so what's the good news?"
    "The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
    "Great" said Pat. "What′s the bad news then?"
    "You′re the Senior Deacon!

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Q: How many Masons does it take to unscrew a light bulb?
A: It's a secret!

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Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

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Q.  How many Masons does it take to change a light bulb?
A.  After much research this tricky question can now be answered. It takes 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, the Temple Board or the Master of the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in the Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that′s not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

 

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    A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I′m here to receive my 2nd degree."
    Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain.
    "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I′m ready for my 2nd degree."
    So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922.
    "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask.
    He replied: "I was learning to subdue my passions!"

 

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     A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
     She) Well how′d it go?
     He) Very well - most interestin
     She) What did go on?
     He) I′m not really sure if I can tell you about it.
     She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me?
     He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge  -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
     She) What do they do - if you can tell me?
     He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
     She) And the Holy men?  What of them?
     He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

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     Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car.
     The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag".  He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative.
     Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

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     A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... "All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn′t you?.........I wish I was a master!"
     After due thought, he said...  "So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

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A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words.  "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."

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     A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
     So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason′s apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
     The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on."
     "$2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."
     "No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."
     "Well, that one is $1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."
     "No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."
     "You can have him for $10.00."
     "Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
     "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

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    An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life--at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
    One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
    In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
    "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many  of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
    "It′s only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn′t wash up nothing did.
    "He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
    "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
    "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
    "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual stratum of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgettable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
    Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
    "Well, let′s row over to my place, then," she  said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
    As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It′s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please would you like to have a drink?"
    "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can′t take any more coconut juice."
    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a pina colada?"
    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
    After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I′m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
    No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
    When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We′ve been out here for a very long time. You′ve been lonely. There′s something I′m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you′ve been longing for all these months? You know. ..." She stared into his eyes.
    He couldn′t believe what he was hearing: ´You mean..." he replied, "I can check my e-mail and the Freemason-List from here?

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    Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
    A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.
    The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.
    One turned to the other and said, "I bet he′s the Secretary of his Lodge!"
    "Why do you say that?", the other asked.
    "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

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    One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.
    When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc.
    However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
    The next day in the post she received 64 letters.

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The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it.  In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
    "OK," said the WM, "I′ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly.  So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can  drive to Hawaii."
    "I can′t do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie.  "Don′t you know that′s impossible?  No Genie could do that.  It′s too far, the water is too deep, it′s just totally beyond anybody′s power.  You will have to make another wish."
    "OK," said the Master.  "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
    "Hmmmmm," said the Genie.  "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

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     It seems a Jewish family had rented an apartment that sat directly under the Masonic Temple, and at least once a month they would always hear this stomping from above.
     One day Izzy told his wife he was going to drill a hole in the ceiling and see what those Masons were up to. After doing so, one evening he heard some stomping coming from above, so he got his ladder, climbed up and decided to take a peek.  
     After a few moments, he flew down the ladder and ran in and told his wife to pack all their belongs and "Let's get out of here and fast !!!"
     When she asked why, Izzy told her that he was just peeking in on the Masons above and saw them kill a man and said they were going to blame it on the 'JEW-BELOW.'

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-- Found on a cup in a Lodge in Ireland:
"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY

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